I have ben struggling as to what I would write about in this post as I have been thinking about it for probably weeks now. I don’t know why it is a struggle, as this is supposed to be just a blog regarding the happenings of my life. I think though, honestly, it was a mere fear of what people would think of me when they read so many of these entries that are associated with this blog. I mean hell, if you take that mouse in your hand or the track pad on your laptop and scroll down, what are you going to be reading? You’ll be reading a LOT of whining and “whoa is me” crap.
Lets be honest here for a second, I have gone through through a lot since September 11, 2012. That was technically for me a D-Day for me. By D-Day, I mean Destructive Day. Yes, I put the specific day cause that was when my world turned upside down.
I have been dealing with a lot, dealing with things on my own, not really with much help. I went through the period of going to a shrink to try and help me figure things out which it did. It was a simplistic explanation that i probably could have never figured out on my own and thats ok. Anyways, most of the stuff I have been dealing with in the grand scheme (again lets be honest) is a lot of my own doing. I have put SO much emphasis on the interpretations and perceptions of other people. But what good has that done me? Not much, the fact that I have grown so emphatically concerned about what the hell people think of me has corrupted my own general thinking of whats right and wrong for myself.
I was sitting down with my best friend yesterday over lunch and we were talking about everything going on with ourselves. He and I are in a relatively same place when it comes to our lives so it’s not hard to bounce Idea’s off one another especially if it may help the other.
When I left that lunch. I felt kind of bad. Why? Because honestly anything that he had said I was just acting so negative giving unintended excuse after the other. To be quite frank I was doing that because its all I have known for these past 2 and half years. I have been so concerned bout what others have thought about me these past few years because I had no idea who I was after loosing one half of me that i was and possibly still am trying to frantically figure out who in the blue hell “Davison Wheeler” is. And, I’ll be honest with you, coming to that conclusion is a bitch. Behind closed doors when i am by myself, or around people I am super comfortable with, I am a completely different person (my true self) then when I am around people I only slightly know. Why can’t I be who I am just on the regular basis? Why do I care about what people think of me. What makes it so detrimental that I care so much? I think thats one of the biggest things that I am trying to figure out. But I also think that I am slowly beginning to basically give the middle finger to that mentality.
I shouldn’t have to TRY to be who I am, I should just be who I am, right? I know that sounds stupid and more then likely if anyone ever reads this, the day I decide to possibly open this up for the bored mass public to read. Hopefully that day, I will already be the person that I am supposed to be, and AM vs the person that I have tried to be for other people.